Old Frogs

Over the last year, I've been on a LOT of dates. Some good and some not so good. Here is the list that actually inspired this blog in the first place - most of these are over a year old which is why there isn't a ton of detail but you get the idea.

"In My Face" Frog: This happened not too long after I was newly single and not feeling great about myself or my life. IMFF walked up to me as I was waiting on a friend during happy hour one night at ZTejas. He was tall, dark and handsome and had some kind of exotic accent that was hot - I admit it. He told me I was beautiful and asked for my number....and I have it to him...on a napkin. Textbook bar pick-up. However, he DID call and ask me out on a real date and so we made plans to meet for a drink after work. We met about a week later. I arrived first, sat at the bar, ordered a drink and waited. He came in a few minutes later and plopped down next to me. He then proceeded to spend the next hour leaning in and talking to me with about an inch of space between our faces. I kept leaning back and leaning back but he didn't take the hint. The conversation was all him yapping away and he finally asked, "How do you think this date is going?" My response? "It would be going a lot better if you would back off. I'm going to have to make a chiropractor appointment at this rate." No more dates.

Oh - his name was Hannah. Weird for a guy, right?

"Boring" Frog - We were introduced through mutual friends and met for dinner on our first date. We had a really nice time, he asked me out again and, of course, I said yes! He suggested that we meet on a Sunday for brunch and football. He came to pick me up (in a really big truck...doesn't that mean something?) and takes me to a bar/restaurant where, at 10:00am on a Sunday morning, WE WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE THERE. Now, if it had been my decision, I would've suggested going somewhere else that had a little more action but....no. We stayed, made friends with the half-clothed waitress, ate nachos and watched football. Oh - did I mention he didn't have anything to say? I asked every question under the sun trying to get him to talk. BOR-ING. Then he asked if I wanted to go and walk around Old Town...okay. We happened upon the local Greek festival and I walked in and out of tents, looking at things, etc. He just stood there. BOR-ING.

The best part is - I recently heard that he got some girl pregnant and now they're getting married. BOR-ING.

"Nine Hour Date" Frog - Yep, NINE HOURS. We met online and he lived in New Mexico. Warning for online daters - DON'T BE SEDUCED BY THE PHONE CONVERSATION. I've now had to learn this the hard way - twice. Anyhoo, he made plans to come to town to stay with some friends and we would all go the Cardinals football game together. I admit, it probably wasn't the best plan - long day, meeting for the first time in front of his friends, etc. But here's how it went down.

Hour One - I meet him at his friend's home. I drive up, park and knock on the front door. He opens the door to greet me and the first thought in my head was "Ummmm...you're hair wasn't WHITE in your photo." Awesome - I'm about to spend the day with Bob Barker. I slap a smile on my face and walk into mass chaos. His friends have two little kids, the dad is in and out of the house loading up a truck for this HUGE tailgate they do each game, the mom is complaining that she hit her head yesterday and hasn't felt right since(what?!?), the kids are still in their pajamas and proceed to camp out on my lap and NHDF is just standing there like an idiot.
Hour Two - Dad leaves and Concussion Momma, Pajama Kids and NHDF and I pile in the family mini-van for the trek out to the stadium. Concussion Momma drives.
Hour Three & Four - Arrive at the tailgate where I know no one except NHDF who spends most of the tailgate sampling the 10 kinds of chili and talking to everyone except me.
Hour Five & Six - Finally go into the game! End up sitting with more people I don't know who do make a lovely effort to include me in the conversation. NHDF doesn't say much.
Hour Seven & Eight - Game is over. Head back out to where the tailgate happened to wait for Chaos Family. During the HOUR in which we waited, NHDF tells me that he's a recovering alcholic. Whoa. Dad finally shows up and we "get" to help him drive the bus/winnebago/whatever over to some random guy's backyard where it's stored during the week. I seriously could have ended up buried in the desert and no one would have known.
Hour Nine - Drive back to the friend's house. Get out of the car to say goodbye and endure about 10 minutes of the friend interrogating me about kissing NHDF, if we're going to see each other again, etc. He finally goes inside and I did the fastest peck on the cheek, nice to meet you, exit stage left you've ever seen.

"Italian" Frog - We met on a Sunday morning to watch a little football. I walk into the bar, take a look around and what do I find? Italian frog. Short, hairy, in an Adidas track suit, gold cross around his neck, pinky ring.

Fuggedaboudit.

"Bandera/Book" Frog - Again at ZTejas with girlfriends...what is it with that place? Minding my own business and tall, blonde, preppy guy walks over and introduces himself. Have to give the guy credit that he expressed his interest and gave me his card in front of one of my friends, so I shoot him an email. He invites me out to meet and suggests meeting "at Bandera on Saturday around 4:00pm, in case you have other plans later on". What? Have some confidence, pal! So, we meet at 4pm at Bandera - which is kind of like a Houston's - it's a complete ghost town at that hour and was so awkward because we were obviously on a first date and there was NO ONE else there. I had one glass of wine and watched him eat three appetizers before I told him I actually DID have somewhere to go. I must have sent him an email thanking him for the date but telling him that there wasn't any "romantic" interest on my end. The end, right? WRONG. During the course of our conversation, we talked about some kind of motivational book and, surprise, guess who sent the book to me at my office after I sent the "see ya later" email??

Nice gesture but a tad creepy if you ask me.

"Intimidated" Frog - Picture it - Valentine's Day 2010. Me - single. Him - handsome and just happens to have a reservation at Sassi for Valentine's dinner. A match made in heaven....or not. I will say that dinner was lovely and we couldn't have been in a more romantic spot. We talked about a lot of things - current events, politics, the arts, world travel, etc. As he walks me out to my car, he asks if I would like to see him again and I say, "Well, would you like to see me again?" His response...."Actually, I'm kind of intimidated by you. I mean, I've never really been on a date with someone as smart as you."

That was a first.

"Guy That I Work With" Frog - Okay, okay, we didn't actually work together but this guy must have been separated at birth from a guy that used to work in my office. We met for a drink and, from the first second, I knew I was in trouble. He was meek, passive, agreed with EVERYTHING I said and I felt like if I made any sudden moves he would either pee his pants or faint dead away. I actually excused myself to go to the bathroom where I promptly texted some co-workers to let them know of the situation.

Might have been the shortest date on record.

"MIA" Frog - This was one of those dates that I have no idea what happened to this guy. We met for coffee (well, Diet Coke for me) and had a good conversation. He was divorced and had two kids, was very successful and seemed to be very interested in me. He asked a lot of questions, was a good listener and made several comments about seeing each other again. I told him that the girls in the office were all a-twitter about my dating life and he teased that he would call the main line and try to get the scoop on me. All cute and flirty and fun. He walked me to my car, laid a kiss on me and said "Now you can tell the girls at the office we kissed on our first date." And.....nothing. Not a phone call, not an email, not a text, not a smoke signal.

C'est la vie!

"Nurse" Frog - Now, listen. I've got nothing against male nurses. Honestly. What I DO have a problem with is being asked out on a date only to find out that you're living in your parent's basement, working part-time in an old folks home and not "quite" a nurse yet. Oh yeah, and asking me to pay half the bill.

Does that make me snob and too picky? So be it.